


You Don't Stay Sad Forever

by PolaroidToxins



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Bullying, Coming Out, Cutting, Depression, M/M, Pining, Reconciliation, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolaroidToxins/pseuds/PolaroidToxins
Summary: Will has felt a lot of pain in his life, all he wants is to control it for once.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story includes graphic self-harm so please do not read if that might trigger you.

"Will?"

"Hey, Will!" 

Will snaps out of his thoughts and looks up at Max.

"What?" He asked

In response she just laughs, pointing down to his hands where he had been sharpening his pencil. 

For a second he didn't realize what was wrong, his pencil was still in one hand, and his small metal pencil sharpener in the other, but looking closer, the pencil sharpener no longer had a blade in it.

"Oh" he chuckled, setting his pencil down and sliding his chair back. He spotted the thin blade on the ground easily, and after a couple seconds of looking he found the tiny screw that held it in place too. 

Looking closer at it the sharpener didn't look broken, the screw must have just come loose which made sense given how much he used it. Will was fairly sure they had a screwdriver that size at home so he tucked all the pieces back into his pencil case. He wasn't going to throw it out if he could easily fix it. 

They were in the middle of art class, the only class Will and Max shared without the others, so he used her sharpener when he needed it and quickly forgot about his own.

\--

It had been three months since they defeated the mind flayer, three months since El had lost her powers, and Will was left with only his real world problems.

Like how he still felt awkward around Mike and Lucas, and how he was dealing with accepting El into his family when he had spent so long being jealous of her.

Jonathan had left for college but it wasn't too different from how things had been in the summer if he was honest. 

Jonathan had been too busy with Nancy to spend much time with Will, just like all his friends were busy with their own girlfriends. 

Now he at least got to see all his friends at school, even if they hadn't acknowledged the fight they had had. Things were okay with him and Max and Dustin, and he was slowly starting to think of El like a sister. It was just about impossible not to like El.

The problem was though, that not everything had changed.

After school Max and El would usually hang out, and that meant Will could only go hang out with Lucas, Mike, and Dustin, something he wasn't sure he was ready for so instead he locked himself away in his room, distracting himself until he was tired enough to go to sleep.

It's what he was doing now, ignoring the sounds of El and Max laughing in Jonathan's old room. Will had let El have the bigger bedroom without a fight. He liked his room just fine and El deserved it.

Papers were spread out on the ground around him while he meticulously coloured in a drawing of the quarry he had done. Some people thought he would hate that place, but ever since the year he had gone missing he had been weirdly captivated by it. His therapist said he shouldn't think things like this, but he often wished he had been there to see it when they pulled his 'body' out of the water.

Sometimes he drew it, what he imagined he would have looked like face down in the water, when his mom had found one and spoken to his therapist about it, he had overheard him saying that Will was trying to come to terms with his trauma, making it less scary by putting it on paper. Will wasn't sure that was the case, but it got his mom to stop worrying and that mattered more to him.

Once he was finished with that drawing he stood up. He had a folder that he kept his art he was really proud of in, and that's exactly where this piece was going. He flipped open the cover of the folder first, and inside was a drawing he had done a few years back of himself, Mike, Dustin, and Lucas. They were all dressed up for one of their D&D games, and it made his heart ache.

Will knew they had to grow up, that they had to move on, but it still hurt to know that they weren't close like they used to be. They all had people they would rather hang out with than him.

Dustin and him still talked a lot, and things with Lucas were improving too. He hadn't actually been that angry at Lucas, and it helped that he had apologized. Mike though... What he had said had really hurt. For a few moments in that garage Mike had sounded just like every bully at school and it had cut deeper than expected.

And all of a sudden Will remembered his broken pencil sharpener, and a rumor he had heard at school a couple years ago. A girl had been caught cutting herself with a pair of scissors, and at the time it had made Will cringe, not knowing why anyone would do that to themselves, but now...

Will abandoned his drawing on top of the folder to instead pick up his schoolbag, digging around in it with one hand until he found his pencil case. He found the blade carefully, ironically worried that he would cut his finger, and set the case down on his desk, the other pieces forgotten.

Scissors, or a knife sounded scary, too big, too intimidating, but the blade he had now? He didn't feel scared holding it.

Instead he felt somewhat happy, powerful even. He had found a way to hurt himself without it being permanent like dying. He could be in charge of his own pain and nobody else would have to know.

Will held the blade tightly in the palm of his hand and left his room, being quiet so neither Max or El came to investigate. He wanted to do this in his room, where he felt safest, but he didn't have a lock on his door and he couldn't risk someone walking in. How would he even begin to explain this?

Instead Will locked himself in the bathroom, sitting down with his back against the wall. 

He was wearing a dark blue sweater, that before only served to protect him from the chilled autumn air that was creeping into Hawkins, but now he was grateful for the long sleeves for a whole other reason.

Will rolled up his left sleeve and leaned over it, staring closer at it than he ever had before. Under his pale skin he could see thin blue veins, and a couple bigger ones that ran over his wrist just under his hand. Will knew what would happen if he cut himself too deep there.

He held the blade between his fingers with his right hand and brought it up to his skin, avoiding cutting directly over any visible veins before he slid the blade across his skin once.

It hurt, leaving only what looked like a scratch and briefly Will wondered if he hadn't done it hard enough. Before he could think too hard though blood started to well up in the cut, slowly turning to small drops that threatened to spill out over his skin. Will was fascinated.

It had hurt sure, but not nearly as bad as a lot of the things he had been through, and it wasn't hard to convince himself to do it again.

He made the second cut right under the first, doing it a little slower this time. It stung, there was no doubt about it, but if anything it just encouraged him to keep going. Will didn't even realize how long he had been in the bathroom until someone knocked.

"Will?" El said from the other side "you've been in there a while" she pointed out

"Shit" Will muttered to himself, just now realizing how bad his arm looked. He hadn't been wiping the blood away and his arm had drops of it streaming down.

"Just a second!" He called back, grabbing some toilet paper and wiping at his arm. If anything that only made the bleed more though, so eventually he just stuffed some toilet paper against his arm and pulled his sleeve down.

He flushed the bloody toilet paper and picked up his blade again before opening the door, smiling at El.

Weirdly, he felt a lot better than he had in a long time.

His thoughts weren't swirling, and he felt calm, like he had just taken a long bath.

"Sorry, I got distracted" he said, but he returned to his room before she could sense that anything was wrong.

Will shut his door and dug around under his bed for his first aid kit, glad he had thought to keep one in here a while back. Only, his reasoning before now had been so he could treat wounds left by bullies without his mom finding out. He walked back to his door and sat down with his back against it, making sure nobody would burst in.

The sun had set outside, and the light in his room wasn't as bright as in the bathroom, but it was more than enough to see the damage he had done. 

Will pulled his sleeve up again and pulled the toilet paper away from his arm, wincing slightly as it got stuck on some places.

He cleaned up with some alcohol pads, not finding the sting worse than when he had been making the cuts.

It looked different all cleaned up, not really worse or better, just different. Without the blood obscuring them he could see each cut clearly, some that were just a thin red lines and some that gaped open slightly. Will couldn't help but lightly trace over them.

He definitely saw the appeal now.


	2. Chapter 2

It ended up being Dustin who got sick of the party not talking first. He cornered Will, Lucas, and Mike in the AV room the next day, which was similarly deserted like their old AV room always had been.

"What are we doing here?" Lucas asked, setting his backpack down on a table.

"You, are going to talk. We've all waited long enough for you to talk this out on your own. You're friends, so whoever was a jerk first just apologize" Dustin said, blocking the door so they couldn't leave.

Nobody said anything for a second, and Will just stared at the ground. He subtlety (he hoped) pressed his left arm against his side, feeling the pressure against the cuts there. He only looked up when he noticed Lucas's hand was outstretched in front of him.

"I'm sorry, Will. I wasn't being a good friend to you this summer" he said

Will didn't really have to consider it before he shook Lucas' hand.

"I forgive you. I.. I should have handled things differently" he said, tucking his hand back into his pocket.

"Good" Dustin announced, before fixing Mike and Will with a stare each

"Mike? Will?" He prompted, and once again Will didn't move a muscle.

Forgiving Lucas was easy, forgiving Mike would be harder.

"Can I talk to Will alone?" Mike asked, looking at Dustin and Lucas.

"Fine, bit we're not letting you out until you've worked through this" Dustin stated, opening the door and stepping outside.

Lucas grabbed his bag before joining Dustin, shutting the door behind himself

"Will.." Mike started once he realized Will wasn't going to talk first.

"It's fine, Mike" Will said quickly, cutting him off. "We both said stupid things, let's just shake hands"

Mike sighed "if it was that easy we would have already done that. Look.. I'm sorry, okay? Really sorry. I've been thinking about what I said practically every day since it happened and I feel terrible. It was wrong"

"Do you think that I haven't been thinking about it?" Will asked, voice tight. "It sucked that you said that. I didn't mean what I said but I'm not sorry for leaving after that"

"And you shouldn't be. I was an asshole." Mike said quickly, not about to disagree with Will here. "But I didn't mean it, I was just angry"

Will scoffed quietly, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around his middle.

"You did mean it though. That's the problem, Mike. I'm not stupid. I know what everyone thinks I am" he said back. Everyone made assumptions, but at least his friends kept it to themselves. Only the people who didn't care about his feelings said it out loud. Mike knew it was a sore subject and it was the first thing he had said to hurt him. He couldn't just accept the apology and move on, because now he worried that everyone knew, that everyone was just waiting for him to say it was true and they would start hating him.

Mike was quiet for a few seconds, before he stepped closer

"So what? I.. Will, none of us would care, you know that, don't you?"

"I don't want to talk about this" Will said firmly, just barely keeping his voice from hitching like it always did when he was close to tears.

"Will you be able to forgive me if we don't?" Mike asked, and that had Will coming up short. Would he? Could he look Mike in the eye again knowing Mike knew his most shameful secret?

All he could do was stay quiet, and Mike took that as an invitation to keep talking.

"If you tell me you like girls, I'll believe you, Will. But.. you're always going to be my best friend, okay? I'm sorry that I didn't make time for you, and that I didn't realize what was going on sooner, I should have. It's always been you and me, I was just.. excited to have a girl like me. I want to do better, but you have to let me" Mike was practically begging at this point.

Will gnawed at his lower lip, wiping his eyes with the edge of his sleeve. He tried to open his mouth a couple times, but at first he couldn't get the words out.

"I don't... I don't like girls. Not like you, not like anyone else" he whispered, scared that this would be it. This would be the moment that Mike started regretted every sleepover they had, every time they had gone to the pool together.

Instead he felt Mike's arms wrapping around him, pulling him into a hug. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be to return it, wrapping his arms around Mike to keep him close. Distantly, he wondered when Mike had gotten this much taller than him.

"I'm still sorry for what I said. That should have been for you to tell me" Mike apologized, and Will nodded.

"I'm sorry too" he croaked out, and he let himself spend the next minute crying into Mike's shoulder. He wasn't sad, bit he was feeling... A lot. Every emotion he had pushed away, and an overwhelming amount of relief just from finally saying that out loud.

They parted at the same time, and finally Will looked up into Mike's eyes, the previous tension forgotten.

"I don't care who you like. And I won't tell the others. I just need us to be okay again" Mike told him, and Will cracked a small smile

"We're okay" he promised, pulling Mike in again for another quick hug before he stepped back.

Will made sure to wipe away the rest of his tears before they opened the door again, greeted by not only Dustin and Lucas but also Max and El.

"Finally" Max said, looking between them "you two good?" She asked

Mike smiled, looking over at Will "yeah, we're good"

\--

Will was a lot happier after making up with his friends. Mike kept to his word and made more time for him, and Will found that he didn't hate hanging out around Lucas and Max together, as long as the two of them were actually hanging out with them and not just taking the first excuse to leave.

Things were finally feeling normal again, but that didn't stop Will from cutting into his skin every night when he got home.

It was a routine, and it was one he had convinced himself that he needed. He needed that rush of calmness so he could sleep, or else he would stare up at the ceiling thinking too much.

So he kept doing it and winter arriving gave him a good reason to wear sweaters every day.

The only time he had to do something a little suspicious to hide his cuts was gym class. It would be weird to wear a thick sweater, but everybody would know what he was doing if they saw the cuts on his arm, so he found a compromise.

He wore a thin long sleeve shirt under his regular t-shirt, and their gym teacher didn't seem to care. He thought he had solved that problem, and for a while it worked, but on one afternoon it all came crashing down around him.

They were playing basketball, which Will had a clear disadvantage of because of his height, but he was still trying. He managed to get in front of Zach, a bully in their grade. He had transferred in from another school, but instead of making any friends he had quickly became the biggest bully in their grade.

Will tried to take the ball, but in the process his sleeve rode up slightly, and before he knew it his hand was trapped in Zach's grasp

"Let go" Will almost shouted, the ball forgotten and rolling out of his grasp.

"Oh my god" Zach laughed, pushing Will's sleeve down to his elbow. "Zombie boy is slitting his wrists!"

Will heard a few gasps from around them, immediately followed by some murmuring, it was cut short by his friends rushing forward though, separating Zach and Will.

Will knew that people were trying to talk to him, but with the panic building in his chest he couldn't hear any of it. Instead of staying and letting everyone see him dissolve into panic Will ran out of the room, going into the closest bathroom and locking himself in one of the stalls.

People knew. Everyone was going to know, hell, the school was probably going to call his mom within the hour. Everyone knew and the worst part was that all it made him want to do was reopen some of the cuts on his arm. He wanted to do the one thing he knew would calm him down.

Will had one hand pressed against his mouth, muffling his soft cries. Because of that he was able to hear the bathroom door open, and the footsteps that followed. He prayed that it wasn't Zach, and for once the universe seemed to be on his side as Mike called out.

"Will? Are you here?"

Will couldn't respond though, and instead just watched Mike's shadow as he came into the bathroom.

"Will? I can see your shoes" Mike said, his voice turning a lot softer now "open the door, okay? It's just me."

Will muffled another cry into his hand, and he heard Mike sigh.

"Alright then" he heard him mumble, and for a split second Will thought he might actually leave, but then he saw Mike's hands on the ground outside the stall, and then his head poked through.

Seeing Mike trying to get all his long limbs under the stall door was enough to make Will smile, and his cries slowly turned to laughs by the time Mike was able to finally lift himself up off the dirty ground.

"I hope you're happy" Mike said, smiling back even though his eyes were sad. He stayed on one knee in front of Will so they were at about the same height, slowly taking Will's left hand into his own.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked quietly

"It's.. it was private. I didn't want to hurt the party, or my family. Everyone already worries about me too much" Will whispered

"We worry because we care. We want you to tell us things like this. If you're feeling bad enough to.. to hurt yourself, you should tell us, you should tell me" Mike said, holding his hand tightly

"It's not always because I'm sad, sometimes it's just to help me calm down" Will shrugged, not completely knowing how to put it into words.

"Well, I don't care about the reason, the next time you're feeling like this I want you to radio me, okay? I'll talk to you all night if you need me too, I just need you to reach out before you hurt yourself" Mike said, his thumb slipping just under the edge of Will's sleeve

"Mike.."

"It's okay" he promised, slipping his sleeve up until a few of the cuts became visible

"We're going to help you" Mike promised, and without hesitation he pressed a gentle kiss against the wounds, careful not to harm Will further.

Reach out.

All Mike needed him to do was reach out.

That was a step Will could take.


End file.
